Hospital Musings

From: Joel Wagner
Sent: Sunday, December 23, 2001 7:37 PM
To: Joel Wagner
Subject: Hospital Musings

Wow. What an unexpectedly exciting period of time the last few days have been. For those of you who don’t know, I’ll go ahead and give a brief rundown. On Thursday, I went to school and was grading practice records in Ms. Gipson’s office, minding my own business when a sharp pain and shortness of breath suddenly overtook me. I got up to walk around some to see if it was a muscle spasm or something but it didn’t help. The resultant pain is something I cannot describe and never again want to experience. I was ultimately taken to the emergency room of Huguley Memorial Hospital in Burleson, which was the nearest hospital.

Initial thoughts were that it was a kidney stone. The initial X-Ray didn’t find anything, and yet the pain remained. So as a result, the doctor ordered a couple of chest X-Rays be done, and they revealed something strange that seemed to be the culprit. As it turns out, I have an 8cm mass near my left lung. Since around the beginning of October, I have been experiencing some pain and discomfort when taking deep breaths, and when playing my horn, breathing is something that I frequently am called to do. I had gone to the doctor about it on a couple of occasions and nobody ever stopped to consider the need to X-Ray my chest to see if there might be something in there causing my breathing trouble. I have been sick some, but that has been attributed to allergies which I typically get this time of year.

After discovering that, the doctor had me stay in the hospital overnight on Friday and my case was passed over to a lung doctor. On Friday morning, I went in for a biopsy around 9:45 and was back in my room by 10:30. I didn’t see my doctor the rest of the day. Around 1:00, they came in and disconnected my IV. My aunt works for another doctor who goes to the hospital where I was staying, and he came by on Friday and gave me some initial results of the cytology part of the biopsy. Apparently, there are two parts, one wherein they look at the core of whatever it is and the other is an analysis of the fluid surrounding it or whatever. At any rate, the cytology did not show any signs of cancer, so that was encouraging. The entire day on Friday was spent in a sort of limbo where I didn’t know if I was going to stay in the hospital or not. Around 8pm, I figured out that I wouldn’t be going home. Shortly after that, I received the cough syrup that the doctor had ordered about ten hours before.

On Saturday morning, I was given another dose of antibiotic through the IV needle that was still in my hand. It’s amazing how much better I began feeling once they put me on the antibiotic on Thursday, and continued to feel better, to the point where I was feeling better on Saturday than I have since at least September. The doctor came in around noon and told me that I was going to be able to go home. I will call his office tomorrow (Monday) and make an appointment to find out the final results of the biopsy on Wednesday.

During my hospital stay, I was so happy to hear from so many friends and family members who were concerned for me. I solicit your continued prayers until this whole ordeal is over, and it is so humbling and comforting to know that so many people went out of their way to call, send gifts, and even to come by and visit me.

I now realize how easy it has become for me to simply take things for granted. “You do not know what will happen tomorrow. For what is your life? It is even a vapor that appears for a little time and then vanishes away” (James 4:14). How many times have I read that and not once taken it to heart? I have experienced the pain that comes with death. I was in a car wreck a few years ago where a friend of mine died in the seat next to me. I know that I live only by the grace of God. And yet, I take it all for granted. I continue living as if tomorrow is guaranteed and all of the plans I have made will come to pass. It’s amazing how what was vitally important in my life only a few days ago can so quickly sink back in priority with the myriad of other seemingly less significant details.

I firmly believe that I will soon make it through this entire ordeal, and believe me nobody wants it to be over more than I do. Thank you for everything that each one of you does for me! I hope to hear from you all soon…

Reflections

From: Joel Wagner
Sent: Wednesday, December 19, 2001 10:35 PM
To: Angela Gipson
Subject: Reflections

Last night was my debut in the concert world of conducting.  Aside from all region and area marching, this was the coolest feeling I’ve had all semester.  Looking back, though, I realize that we’ve done a lot of stuff.  In my required 5 hours a week of observation, it almost feels like I’ve not had much time for anything else!

This school year has been going extremely well, and He has blessed so much of what has gone on.  While it has not been without problems, things have generally seemed to go in one way or another in our favor.  I will end up getting no grade lower than a B in my classes this semester, and more than likely will have two passed ExCETs out of the way by the time it’s all said and done.  The HS/MS football game halftime show was a lot of fun for the kids, and I’m sure it was for the Kerr band parents as well!  The All Region results speak for themselves, not so much in what we have going on with what we did or all the people you have helping you, but more in God’s abundant GRACE.  We ended up taking a boatload of kids to the all region concert and most of them were seventh graders!

Grace.  Funny you should bring it up.  I don’t understand it.  I mean, I know that I never will in my flesh, but I want to understand it more.  I want to, as Peter puts it, “grow in the grace and knowledge of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ” (2 Peter 3:18).  I don’t know what any of it means, but I know I want that.  If you have any suggestions, I’m open to anything that will help me to draw nearer to God (cf. James 4:8 if memory serves…).  I think that will be my primary focus for the upcoming year: to find out what it means to grow in the grace and knowledge of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.  I figure that in the process of seeking that answer, I might just end up actually growing in the grace and knowledge of Him as well.

It is so awesome to see God working like He has been in both of our lives.  I know not what the upcoming semester has in store for the band program; let alone what tomorrow holds for me.  I don’t know what He wants me to do about being a band director next year or going to school or what.  I’ll leave that up to God and His perfect timing.  He has never let me down before, so I see no reason to think He’s going to begin now!  Once again, thank you for putting up with me and for guiding me through this phase of my education.

Trash Diggers

I had been house-sitting and dog-sitting for my parents while they were out of town. Wednesday night, their dog Mabel was in the back yard and she got into the trash bag that I had left out there. For the next three days, Mabel was unable to keep any nutrients down or within her little body. On Saturday night, after two trips to the vet, and one trip to the animal hospital, Mabel died. I am amazed by the rapidity with which everything happened!

Amidst torrents of emotions and questions, God spoke to me. He showed me in her a parallel with the lives of so many people. In our own special way, we are all trash diggers. We may not physically eat trash out of a trash bag (I hope none of us do!), but we all have our own favorite trash. The kinds of things that we know full well will not result in any long-term benefit to us. The kinds of things that, upon consuming them, we quickly come to realize that we have been eating trash! The kinds of things that our Master has clearly instructed us not to do.

“As a dog returns to his own vomit, So a fool repeats his own folly” (Proverbs 26:11). These words, written by Solomon thousands of years ago became painfully clear to me this weekend. Why do we do these things? We know they are wrong, and yet we are deceived into thinking that they will be enjoyable. Fortunately for us, we have had our minds renewed (cf. Romans 12:2), we are new creations (cf. 2 Corinthians 5:17), and we no longer want to do those things that cause pain to ourselves and others.

So often, when we strive on our own power to accomplish good things, we find the words of Isaiah ringing true, that “all our righteousnesses are like filthy rags; We all fade as a leaf, And our iniquities, like the wind, Have taken us away” (Isaiah 64:6). So how do we avoid digging in trash, which will ultimately lead to death? As the angel of the LORD told Zechariah, so is it today. “‘Not by might nor by power, but by My Spirit,’ Says the LORD of hosts” (Zechariah 4:6). When we trust in the Lord for the strength and wisdom to withstand temptations, James tells us that when we ask God for wisdom, He will give it to us liberally (cf. James 1:5)! All we have to do is ask, as Solomon did in 1 Kings 3.

But I find myself relying on my own goodness, my own strength, and even my own righteousness. I know these very things to be useless on their own, but my flesh is constantly warring with my spirit for control over my body. “O wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death? I thank God – through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, with the mind I myself serve the law of God, but with the flesh the law of sin” (Romans 7:25).

This world is stained and marred by the sin that so pervades our daily existence. Because of sin, there is pain, sorrow, and death in our world (cf. Romans 5:12). As believers, we can look for and hasten the day of the coming of our beloved Lord Jesus. On that day, “every knee shall bow, of those in heaven, and of those on earth, and of those under the earth, and that every tongue should confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father” (Philippians 2:10,11). What an awesome time that will be for us. What a dreadful time that will be for those who, like us, are trash diggers, but unlike us, are under the command of a master who cannot save them. Their names are not written in the Book of Life, and they will therefore be “cast into the lake of fire” (Revelation 20:15).

All of us are trash diggers at heart. We are all trash diggers in practice at one time or another – it’s part of being human. But we have been given the means by which to overcome this dreadful state of existence, if only we will remain in fellowship with the King of Kings and Lord of Lords. I pray that we all will draw nearer and nearer to Him, as the day is now far spent, and His coming is presently at hand. Keep this in mind as you go about your day-to-day routines this month, won’t you?