Fifty Days

From: Joel Wagner
Sent: Friday, March 15, 2002 12:17 AM
To: Joel Wagner
Subject: Fifty Days

Today, I sit at home and I consider where the last fifty days have taken me. I can assure you that I have far more peace now then the morning of Thursday, January 24th. This is not to say that I was scared by any means, or fearful or apprehensive or anything, but I did have looming over my head a gigantic question mark indeed. For on that morning, I went into surgery for the very first time in my life.

Since then, my life has been anything but boring! Some would say that I have been pushing myself too much, and I might even tend to agree with those sentiments at times. On the other hand, I am not, nor ever have been, one to sit around while I could be active in some way or another. Having said that, and realizing that this is the first time some of you have heard anything from me since I was released from the hospital four days later, I will go ahead and highlight some of what has transpired in the interim.

On February 1st, merely four days after leaving the hospital, I taught a horn lesson. I didn’t play and it wouldn’t be another week and a half from then before I even tried playing an instrument again. The next week, on Thursday and Friday, I taught a total of eleven lessons in preparation for solo & ensemble contests. On Saturday the 9th of February, I was able to sit around and take money and pass out judging sheets to kids at the Burleson Solo Contest.

During those first two weeks out of the hospital, the progress seemed so slow, and yet it was crawling along at a remarkable pace. Up to this point, I had not gone back to school other than when I went to teach lessons after school. When I went back the first time, the kids had put up banners that they all had signed. My office was also decorated with streamers and balloons and such. The banners came home with me about two weeks later, and I finally took down the other decorations this week during spring break.

On Sunday, February 10th, I began playing again in the praise band at church. Instead of playing horn as I had in the past, I have begun playing flugelhorn in there and it actually gets a much better blend with the other instruments we have, so I will continue to play that even after I am “fully recovered,” whatever that means!

On Monday the 11th, I finally went back to school for the second half of the school day. I continued a similar schedule the rest of the week and I began driving again on February 13th. Up to this point, my parents had been gracious enough to cart me all over the place. That Saturday, I went to Cleburne another solo & ensemble contest. About halfway through the day, I drove back to Burleson to open up the band hall for the kids who came home at noon and also for the kids who left at 12:30. Long days and I still didn’t get along too well, so I went home after that. All week long, I either taught lessons after school, went to class at UTA, or had church.

Monday, February 18th was the first full day I was back in action at school. I didn’t teach any lessons the entire week because of the Texas Music Educators Association Convention in San Antonio. My parents used it as an excuse to take a vacation in San Antonio, and also saved me from driving 5+ hours. On Tuesday, we had TAAS benchmark testing in the morning, and so I didn’t get to school until 11. Then Wednesday was spent getting ready for us to leave for the convention. The kids watched and answered questions for a test on “The Music Man” while we were gone.

When we got back to school, I was going all day again for real. I began teaching more and doing sectionals and even playing my horn some with the beginner band classes. I also went back to see the doctor on Thursday the 28th, and he said that things were going well, and that I just need to continue doing what I’m doing and allowing my body to recover. We had a Spaghetti Supper scheduled on March 2nd, but that ended up being changed because of icy roads.

This brings us to last week. On Monday, we switched the beginner horn players from cornet to horn for the first time. This is now my fourth time to switch them and, as much as I hated the idea at the very first I am not quite as violently opposed to it any longer. Especially seeing Kerr get the top three kids in the middle school all region band! As far as I can tell, I am going to be teaching the beginner horns for the rest of the year. I am continuing to teach more and more lessons, and I hope to be able to teach seventeen next week, if everything works out! This week is spring break and I went to the school a couple of times to do some cleaning, but have basically been relaxing some as the next three weeks leading up to the UIL concert and sightreading contest will be pretty intense.

If you made it this far, thanks for bearing with me, and I hope I didn’t bore you too much. I cannot begin to express my gratitude to so many people who have helped me so much over the last seven weeks. I am beside myself with the overwhelming expressions of compassion, concern, understanding, appreciation, and most importantly love. I have seen and heard from so many people to whom I never sent updates for one reason or another, but you have passed the information along to others. Thank you so much, and I hope you will pass this last mass communication from me as well.

The really amazing thing is to watch and see how God works through our pains and shows His glory in ways heretofore unimagined. Romans 8:28 says “And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose.” It doesn’t say all things are good, for Jesus Himself said, “‘In the world you will have tribulation; but be of good cheer, I have overcome the world.’” But it is through these tribulations and sufferings that God’s strength is demonstrated. Even as the Lord told Paul, His “’strength is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me” (2 Corinthians 12:9).

I thank God for the incredible grace that He has shown me through this whole ordeal! I never before understood grace, and I’m not saying that I even do comprehend it now. I don’t understand why God would love me and choose me to spend eternity with Him! It blows my mind. And yet, it is a free gift of eternal forgiveness that He offers us all!

“For this reason I bow my knees to the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, from whom the whole family in heaven and earth is named, that He would grant you, according to the riches of His glory, to be strengthened with might through His Spirit in the inner man, that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith; that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may be able to comprehend with all the saints what is the width and length and depth — to know the love of Christ which passes knowledge; that you may be filled with all the fullness of God. Now to Him who is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that works in us, to Him be glory in the church by Christ Jesus to all generations, forever and ever. Amen” (Ephesians 3:14-21).

Once again, thank you so much for your faithfulness to and your interest in me. Without a doubt, you will never know what a wonderful blessing you are.

Joel Wagner

Escape From The Hospital

From: Joel Wagner
Sent: Monday, January 28, 2002 8:46 PM
To: Joel Wagner
Subject: Escape from the hospital

Well the order was given for my release from the hospital today at around 12:30pm.  I ended up leaving by 2:00.  I know that many of you tried to find out information and probably couldn’t, or tried to call or whatever and ended up being unsuccessful.  So here’s a basic run-down of the events of my life since Thursday morning for those who are interested.

On Thursday, I went to All Saints Hospital at 6am and was called into a room at 6:20 to get ready to move in to surgery.  At 6:40, I was taken to the anesthesiologist to learn some more about what would end up happening and all with the surgery.  Pastor Bill found me around 7 and prayed with me and my mom.  He made a comment that it was nice for me to have a nurse who joined us in the prayer.  I remember going into the operating room and moving over onto the operating table, but that’s about it.  I have some vague, unpleasant memories from Thursday, but I am hoping they will go away eventually.  I regained some sense of consciousness around 11am, but it was mostly in and out until late Friday.

The actual surgery only took around 45 minutes, and it took them about an hour in preparation, trying to put more IVs in me and monitors and all that.  My parents said they came into the waiting room to tell them the surgery had begun around 8:30 and then the doctor came to talk with them by 9:20.  So what did they find?  Still haven’t gotten final pathology reports back, but Dr. Nazarian said that it was larger than expected (large grapefruit-sized) and that was probably because it was compressed until they opened me up, so that would explain the problems finding a pulse in my hands and feet before the surgery, with it against my heart and all that stuff some.  Probably what it was is some sort of germ-cell based something or other, possibly a teratoma, but it was almost certainly benign and is all gone.  Nice to have that behind us!

I was in Cardiovascular Recovery from Thursday until Friday night.  Most of the other people in the sections I was in at the hospital were elderly and were having some sort of bypass or other open heart surgery.  Essentially what they did with me was open heart except they didn’t mess with my heart any; but they were there and everything.  I had a chest tube on my left side that was taken out on Friday, and the scar will match the chest tube scar I have that was put in back in 1997 when my right lung collapsed in a car wreck.  All told, I lost very minimal blood, and had no transfusion.  I ended up getting what we later found out was a VIP room in the hospital in the Progressive Care Unit that opened in late December around 9:30pm on Friday.  It is very nice to have relatives who work for Doctors who are interested in my case and can pull some strings here or there.

On Saturday morning, I had my first food or drink (except for a few contraband sips of water in the CVR on Friday).  It was nice to be able to have moisture in my mouth and lips again!  Saturday was a big day of firsts for me.  I was so upset at the nurses who made me sit up on my own and get out of bed on my own, and all that stuff, but love often must be tough in order to get the desired results.  I am so glad that they made me work on my own, even though I didn’t seem glad at the time.  I sat up pretty much all day Saturday and that was good for me.  I walked some, and got dizzy when I tried, but it was okay.  I had so many visitors come on Saturday and I was sitting up in a chair to talk with most of them.  People came on Thursday and Friday and I looked forward to it, but I don’t really remember a whole lot of that.  Saturday is a day I remember a lot better!  At the same time, I’m glad I didn’t go home Saturday night, there’s no telling what I would have done.

On Sunday, I woke up and was feeling a lot better.  I had pain sleeping Saturday night because I was using muscles that didn’t want to be used or whatever.  The whole time in the hospital, I never slept longer than 3 hours at a time, mostly because the pain medicine was on a 3-hour regimen and when it wore off, I knew it was gone.  I walked a whole lot on Sunday, and ended up exploring the entire fourth floor pretty much throughout the day.  I had more visitors, and made vast improvements.  It was hard to believe that I had been cut open merely three days earlier.  I had to stay in the hospital overnight and was disappointed, but the adjustable hospital bed made up for it because it’s hard for me to be on my back, so sitting up straight is almost the most optimal position for me and most beds don’t do that very well.

This morning, I had a couple of chest X-Rays done.  I am feeling worlds better, and I have more energy now than I’ve had in months.  I had no doubt the doctor would send me home, it was just a matter of waiting around for him to come release me.  He eventually did, and it was such a relief.  I still have some pleural effusion, but he said it’s getting better, so I have a medicine that will continue to help that.

I thank all of you so much for your prayers and sympathy and cards and flowers and cookies and visits and phone calls and everything else.  It is such a nice feeling to know that there are people in the world who love me and who go out of their to make that known.

The next few weeks will be lighter, and I am really not supposed to lift anything heavy for the next three months, so that will be hard, but it will help my bones to heal right, so I’ll obey.  I am taking this week and next week off from most of my teaching lessons, but I will begin a few more next week in preparation for solo & ensemble contests coming up soon.  I am so happy to have support from the faculty and staff at Kerr Middle School, as well as from my professors and friends at UTA.  It is comforting to know that people understand where I’m coming from and are working to help me make this recovery as easy and quick as possible.  I’m going to church on Wednesday night, but I won’t be playing my horn in the praise band for a little while yet.  I may play trumpet some as it is lighter than my horn and I want to get back to serving where I have been called as soon as I can.

I hope this answers questions many of you may have, and I’ll get around to answering individual emails as soon as I get the energy to sit at my computer much longer…

Thank you so much,

TJW

The Final Pre-Op Word

From: Joel Wagner
Sent: Wednesday, January 23, 2002 10:08 PM
To: Joel Wagner
Subject: The Final Pre-Op Word

I am sending this email to many, many people.  Some of you may have absolutely no idea what is going on, and so I will go ahead and briefly recount about the last forty days of my life for you.

On Saturday December 15th, I graduated with my music degree from UTA.  I am still continuing classes in pursuit of my teaching certification, but I have the non-education classes all out of the way.  On Tuesday December 18th, I conducted “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus” on the Christmas concert with the Kerr Middle School Band in Burleson.  Other than being a drum major in high school, this was my first public conducting experience, and I had a lot of fun with it.

On Thursday December 20th, I was sitting in the band office grading practice records and just ready for the semester to come to a close the next day.  Suddenly, I was overtaken by extreme pain, the likes of which I have never before consciously experienced.  I was fortunate that a field representative from Ridglea Music Store was there at the time and was available to serve as an ambulance for me.  Huguley Memorial Hospital is only a matter of miles from the school, and so I went to the emergency room there, with the prevailing understanding being that I was probably passing a kidney stone.  After putting me on an IV and giving me two shots of morphine, the X-Ray results came back showing no sign of a kidney stone, and the hospital was ready to send me home — the only problem was that I was still in pretty severe pain, even with the two shots of morphine.

So another X-Ray was ordered, this time on my chest.  The doctor later came in and told me that they had found some kind of mass of unknown composition and unknown origin in or near my left lung.  Friday morning, I was taken down to radiology for a needle biopsy.  I didn’t see a doctor after that until Saturday afternoon around 1, when he came in and told me that I was leaving the hospital.  The biopsy results would be ready on December 26th.  As you might imagine, my Christmas holiday plans were somewhat less than festive with this huge question mark over my head.  When the doctor called us the morning of December 26th, he told us that the results of the biopsy were inconclusive and that we would have to have another one done to find out.

A second biopsy was scheduled for January 2nd, this time at Harris Methodist Hospital in Fort Worth.  This experience was much better, and the doctors and nurses were way more forthcoming with offering information than they had been at Huguley.  I was out of the hospital the same day as the biopsy.  Anesthetics were used a whole lot more, and I was also on a sedative when the procedure was done.

School began again on January 8th.  On the 7th, I was at the school getting ready for the beginning of the year, when my dad called me and told me that the pulmunologist had called him and said the biopsy results indicated that the thing inside of me is either lymphoma or thymoma: various forms of cancer.  He suggested that I make an appointment with a thoracic surgeon for the next step.  The next day, my parents were able to get me set up for an appointment with a thoracic surgeon who is a friend of a doctor for whom my aunt works.  So on January 8th, I went to see him.  My parents met me there, and before the appointment, they went by Harris to pick up my X-Ray and CaT scans, as well as the second biopsy report.  In looking over the report, it came to our attention that the second biopsy again was inconclusive.  The thoracic surgeon ended up telling us that we could do a few other tests but more than likely, whatever it was would have to come out one way or the other.  So before we left his office, we had the office make me an appointment at Baylor All Saints Episcopal for January 24th to have it removed.

On Monday of this week, I went to another thoracic surgeon for a second opinion and, although slightly more conservative, he concurred with the course of action that has been planned.  So I sit here now on the evening of Wednesday January 23rd prepared to go in for surgery tomorrow.  For some more information on what I have told you above, you can go to my website at http://www.geocities.com/jwagner8 and find the “Hospital Saga” link.

Through this whole ordeal, I have been blessed by so many family members, friends, teachers, co-workers, and students who have expressed in one way or another their care, concern, and love for me.  Every card, every phone call, every email, every prayer, and every kind word is appreciated far more than you will ever know.  I have had many questions on specifics, and so I will give as much information as I currently have.

The surgery will be sometime between 8am and 10am tomorrow.  It will be at All Saints in downtown Fort Worth.  I am getting there at 6am.  I have been told that I will be in the hospital from 3-5 days.  It will take around 2-3 weeks for recovery.  I don’t know the phone number for my room yet, as they don’t know to which room I will be assigned.  If you are looking for my room and can’t find me, make sure you are looking under Thomas Wagner, rather than Joel Wagner as the hospital records don’t indicate that I go by my middle name.  I will have my cell phone with me in the hospital, and it has voice mail if it is not answered.  Any phone calls are welcome.  Any visitors are welcome.  Any extravagant gifts are welcome. <grin>

It was worth a try anyway!  I will send out another email when I get home from the hospital, which I don’t expect to be before Sunday.  If you have any other questions, I probably won’t be able to answer them through email before I get home.  Thank you so much for the outpouring of love that I have experienced as a result of this thing!

I have no doubt that the amazing grace of Jesus Christ will be powerfully demonstrated in my healing.  Thought I don’t know why all of this has happened, I do “know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose.”

Thomas Joel Wagner